Author: jenngaudreau

Last week I participated in a two day improvisational vocal workshop. It wasn’t the first of its kind this year. But surrounded by others further along in the work and led by an extraordinary master teacher, I was pushed to the edges of my growth and skill in a way that I hadn’t yet experienced. I felt like I was in WAY over my head. 

I felt my fear. I observed it. I tried to befriend it. But then I gave it the coveted co-pilot seat, even allowing it to drive at certain moments. There was an exercise that took me so far beyond my comfort zone and feeling of safety – an improvised duet in front of the room to a tune I wasn’t familiar with. I sang. I froze. I messily and hastily found myself through to the end, dropping the ball in the process. And as I walked back to my seat, I felt the tears hot in my eyes and a familiar feeling of shame creep up. If I had only lifted my eyes to make contact with the others in the room, I’m sure I would have found only love and support. But I just wanted to hide.

The entire workshop I struggled with surrender, with being seen, with taking up space. Every exercise was an invitation to let go, to trust myself, to contribute my gift to the collective, and even to allow myself to be supported by those with more experienced than me. And almost every time, I found myself unable to respond with a vulnerable and open heart, with a beginner’s frame to be present and learn, taking in every part of the experience as helpful information in my evolution as a singer.

At the end, we formed three concentric circles. Those in the outside circle were space holders. Together, those in the middle layer composed a spontaneous song for those in the center, who received. I started in the outside circle, and one point I grabbed a nearby camera to document this beautiful closing exercise. As the song began taking shape and the shutter clicked, the aura of two convergent lessons came to me in that moment:

To stop being merely an observer and choose to actually *enter into* an experience embodied and empowered.

And to allow myself to be seen, even when it’s imperfect and messy – ESPECIALLY when it’s imperfect and messy. 

To be a channel of creativity and our divine gifts, we must trust ourselves and step into the circle to share our magic. We must enter the arena and open our mouths to sing before we even know what will come out. Sometimes we will fail. And sometimes the song will flow through us, the muse carrying us from note to note in a beautiful symphony.

As Chris-Anne says in her guidebook to this beautiful oracle card pictured, “We must give ourselves permission to fail in order to grow..[we must] bring ourselves to our personal growth edge and look into the abyss of creation.”

As my birthday gift to myself this year, I took my love of fuchsia to a new level. Hellllloooo hot pink hair!  Aside from my unwitting choice of a short bob haircut in the 7th grade that resulted in “trapezoid head,” this is probably the boldest thing I’ve ever done to my appearance. My inner child is definitely doing the happy dance (and thanking the stars it wasn’t another middle school fiasco). And I feel like I’ve been walking around with a perpetual smile on my face. But the choice goes even deeper for me.

𝕀𝕥’𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕞𝕚𝕥𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕦𝕟𝕒𝕡𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕞𝕪 𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕥𝕙. I’ve hidden parts of myself my entire life. Growing up, it’s what many of us learn to do to fit in or to receive love. I have always struggled to really allow myself to be seen by others, to vulnerably share my light and my shadow. Those closest to me have earned the trust to see my heart, to know me for who I am. And having smart boundaries means that not everyone gets to witness the deepest parts of me. But the thoughts, opinions, and ideas that are born from my creative soul – and even that messy process of iterating – that is pure magic, divine radiance. Step by step, I am owning that. I am choosing to face the fear of imperfection. I am embracing my spirituality, my femininity, and my whimsical nature. I am sharing more of my incomplete stories and my thoughts that are not yet fully formed. I am no longer willing to pay the price of being out of integrity with myself.

𝕀𝕥’𝕤 𝕒𝕟 𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕪 𝕤𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕖𝕚𝕘𝕟𝕥𝕪. I am my own authority. I am my greatest responsibility. I belong to myself first. Part of my healing work is reclaiming the power I have either freely given to others or who have tried to lay claim to it – spiritual leaders in the faith tradition I was raised, family members, therapists and coaches, previous partners and friends, society and the patriarchy, professional groups. This is me saying I get to make my own damn decisions, because I know what I want and what’s best for me. This is an act of trusting myself and walking in the fullness of my power. (Thank you so much to Britt and Kelsey for modeling this so well and being my hair inspiration!)

𝕀𝕥’𝕤 𝕒 𝕕𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕦𝕡 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕞𝕪𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗. The truth is that my hair didn’t turn out the color I envisioned on the first round. A previous version of myself wouldn’t have said anything, but I deeply felt the need to honor myself. The stylist’s second attempt got me closer – but as much as I love channeling Ariel vibes, the orangey-coral-red I ended up with was still not the dreamy fuchsia we talked about. Wanting to be sensitive to her time and worried that further experimenting would do damage, I decided I would let go and embrace it for what it was. I mean, it’s just hair, and I didn’t HATE it. But after a pep talk from a dear friend in which I was trying to convince her I was ok with it, she called me on it. (Thank you Ashley!) I realized I deserve to feel fabulous and have hair I LOVE. And so I reached out to my previous stylist, Claire, who came in on her day off to fix the debacle. She even went easy on me for “cheating on her.” She is an absolute magician and has made me feel like a goddess. I am beyond grateful to her, and I am completely in love with my new hair!! (Lesson learned, and she is my gal.) Advocating for myself still feels hard sometimes, especially when it’s over something I feel I should be “more chill” about. (Even though we all know that hair is everything – thank you Fleabag.) But what we’re willing to ask for – and settle for – says so much about how much we love ourselves and show up when we need ourselves most.

𝕀𝕥’𝕤 𝕒 𝕔𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕠𝕗 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕗𝕒𝕣 𝕀’𝕧𝕖 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕙𝕒𝕤 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕕 𝕚𝕟 𝕒 𝕪𝕖𝕒𝕣. Last year, by choice, I celebrated my birthday alone instead of with my partner at the time. As I wandered the Art Institute and gardens, I felt stuck in a life that was no longer my own, terrified to hurt someone who loved me deeply and who had done nothing wrong, but even more terrified that I would silence the voice of my intuition and miss what was meant for me if I didn’t respond. Less than two weeks later we began the difficult process of lovingly separating and moving out of the home we shared. It was one of the most heartbreaking decisions I’ve ever made, yet through my grief, I felt my soul calling me to go deeper into my spiritual practices. Over the past year, this has led me to meditation, to yoga, to singing – and to various healing modalities and explorations for 3.5 months of travel. It’s opened up an entire new world of possibility to me – and ultimately the cultivation of a loving relationship with myself. I’ve been back in Chicago a few months now, and I still don’t know what lies ahead. But on Sunday, I woke up feeling deeply loved and celebrated, and in a beautifully aligned life I am creating. And for that I am incredibly grateful.

So here’s to fuchsia hair, a new tattoo, a spontaneous trip, or whatever bold moves are YOUR embodiment of truth, sovereignty, empowerment, and alignment!

I have these words and stories churning within me. Like a wild river that has been obstructed for too long, they start to bubble up to the surface, and I can taste them. Oh the freedom I will feel when they are on my lips and in my fingertips, pouring forth into the world for anyone or no one to read. The once simmering expression of my soul flowing freely.

The words come to the surface. I feel a glimmer of catharsis. And, still, I stuff them down. For they are not fully formed, and I am afraid. They smolder now like a fire. The corrosive essence burns through my solar plexus, my source of power, and my heart – all that is love. It remains, burning, in my throat – my voice, my inner truth.

I see a light on the path. And the way is not through a perfectly composed symphony or an expertly written novel.

It’s in one spoken word. One note sang. One sentence written. Little by little I break out of this cycle of not enough and share my fire with the world. And I can start to breathe again.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” –@eckharttolle

My time in Portugal has been challenging, for many reasons. But I keep coming back to this. That I am here to learn something from my experience — and from my fear and sadness — rings profoundly true. Shadow work is not easy. But by allowing the dark to coexist with the light — by accepting and not resisting — it opens up a path to go deeper.

Today I let myself go into that pain during a voice healing session with  Smadar on the beach. I cried and screamed and sang as the waves crashed upon the sand and rocks around me. The energy that moved through me, the resonance of my voice, the connection to Spirit, and the deep release I felt was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

There is tremendous power in accepting the darkness with the light. In allowing all parts of the whole to simply be. To acknowledge the shadow as a teacher and allow it to bring us on a profound journey to the other side.

My heart is grateful for all of the teachers in my life and that Spirit led me to Smadar, for her Light is the purest gift. And to my internal teacher — to the light and fire within me — I bow. Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo.

After 2 weeks in the UK, I decided to spontaneously book a trip to Portugal! It has been on my radar for awhile, and I’m thrilled to be in Lisbon for a whirlwind 36 hours. Next I will head to Aljezur and Lagos (southern coast) for a change of pace. I have been spending so much time working and exploring cities, so it will be nice to have some time off the beaten path again to catch a breath and integrate all of my experiences so far. I’ll actually be pet sitting for two sweet rescue dogs and will have some time to meditate, practice yoga, sing, walk, and focus on some bigger picture visions for work and life. I’m hoping to get back up to Lisbon and then Sintra and Porto, so we shall see what unfolds!

I call it a beginning, but I’ve actually been on this journey my entire life. It’s one we’ve all been invited into, really, since the day we entered this world. We all seem to hear the call in various ways and at different times.

I’ve heard its whisper before, and even set out on the path a few times. Sometimes I’ve listened intently and with great care. At other times I’ve lost the signal or straight up stopped trying.

We may veer off the trail — willfully or accidentally. But if we remain open, the call to Awakening — the invitation to live from our Wild Souls — always finds us again.

I have heard it more faintly in my adult years. Every once in awhile I’d catch what sounded like a few notes of the most beautifully haunting melody — a melody that I couldn’t quite place, but one that I seem to have always known.

Gradually, in recent years, the gaps between the notes of the song have begun to get shorter. And then for reasons I can’t explain, something shifted this past summer that busted my heart wide open. The music was suddenly louder and more consistent.

As I heard it more clearly, it anchored me and called me to hold on to it — to follow it. There were days I thought I lost track of it, but then I’d catch a few more notes. It was as though I was uncovering clues that lead to a precious treasure.

And then, almost without realizing it, I was singing along. Humming at first, still unsure of the melody. Soon I was singing words my brain had never heard, as though my spirit had chanted this hymn thousands of times in eternity.

It’s this song that led me to Costa Rica for singing and meditation, and now to London for a voice workshop. It’s the same melody that both connects me to, and, at the same time, simply IS: Love, Spirit, the divine, Pachamama, nature, my brothers and sisters, my purpose, my heart. Like a beautiful icaro from my higher self, it reminds me of who I am. Sometimes it’s a sweet lullaby and sometimes it’s a fierce and guttural cry that sounds otherworldly. And it calls me to awaken to this knowing daily.

This alchemy may have a different form for you. It may be art or dance or poetry or philosophy or a feeling somewhere in your body. It’s what Paul Coehlo calls the Language of the World. It surpasses explanation, but you know it’s always been a part of you. Loving you. Guiding you. Calling you.

My song is calling me to share my voice. And so I shall in the midst of the unfolding awakening. I hope you will join me.

Con mucho amor y la cancion de mi alma salvaje despertar. (With much love and the song of my wild soul awakening.)

I’m still finding words to describe my time in Costa Rica. It was among the richest and most beautiful experiences of my life. My heart has expanded in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and I let in so much love. I deepened my connection to self, to nature and the divine, to others. I am so grateful for this life and to be on this path. ✨

Inspired by this loving force that ties us together, our dear brother, @jackpcarson, who only recently graduated from high school, wrote this beautiful song one night:

Brothers, sisters, friends

I love you all; it never ends.

You’ve touched my heart, each one of you.

I’m sorry, I love you, and thank you.

Pachamama I’m home

With the people whom I belong

Pachamama I’m finally home 

I love you, I miss you, it’s been so long 

Brothers, sisters wipe your tears away

Your mother and father are here to stay

No matter how far they may seem

They’re always inside of you and me

Thank you, thank you for this life

I love you, I love you, I truly love you 

Pachamama I’m home

With the people whom I belong

Pachamama I’m finally home 

I love you, I miss you, it’s been so long 

PaThank you, thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️

Tomorrow a long awaited journey begins. A journey I didn’t actually know until two weeks ago where or when it would commence – but one I knew I was being called to. I just kept following the breadcrumbs, uncovering clues as the Universe revealed them to me. And when the window opened, I leapt through.

In two weeks I packed up my photo studio and half of my apartment. I had 8 photo shoots, took a quick trip to Houston to be with dear friends, watched another friend’s sweet pup, squeezed in dr. appointments, edited my little heart away, saw the fruition of planning a lecture, and hosted a workshop at my studio.

Now my soul is ready. The next 10 days I’ll be in Costa Rica on a spiritual retreat getting in deeper touch with my inner guidance and soaking in whatever the Universe has planned. I’ll be off the grid but looking forward to sharing as I feel led following. Amor. ❤️